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Fast forward two weeks to Friday June 12th. I woke up and was spotting. Not too concerning but then it didn’t stop. Stephen urged me to visit the midwife so I got a friends car and drove 35 minutes to the birth center. She did an ultrasound which was inconclusive as to whether she could hear a heartbeat. I left there and on the drive home the contractions began. It was excruciating and I was alone in the car trying to drive home. I could barely see the road between my tear blurred vision and screams.
By Gods grace I made it to Stephens work, he got me home, and my body was able to deliver the baby in our home. The Lord was so gracious. I had to stop so many times driving home because the pain was unbearable but the Lord in his grace, allowed my body to hold on to our child until we were safely home. It didn’t happen at the grocery store bathroom I had to stop at. It didn’t happen at Stephens work. And that alone is by our Fathers gracious hand.
I remember the agony of the contractions. I remember the insane amount of blood loss. I remember looking at our child, still and lifeless, barely formed but with discernible limbs and a little face. She still had a good amount of a tail bump and was incredibly long for her age (must be from mom and dad). We are convinced it was a girl though aren’t fully sure. I remember crying out in distress when my body fully let her go. I remember the confusion on what on earth we do practically, I mean, they don’t teach you this in seminary (!) But what I remember most, in the midst of the pain, is the overwhelming peace of God. It was tangible. It was overwhelming. Amidst the tears and confusion and pain...peace. Unlike anything I’ve experienced before. It consumed my body and mind and heart. It surpassed all of my understanding. It was like a taste of heaven, a glimpse into the dimension where the Prince of Peace himself dwells. It was as though as soon as my hands held our child, my heart in agony met with the Heavenly Father’s hands holding me. Somehow, in the middle of suffering, I knew there was hope. The Lord was WITH us in the valley of the shadow of death, He did not leave us and He never will.
We were given much more than we could handle. We could not have gone through that alone. But HE alone has sustained us through it and continues to sustain us. Our desperate weakness calls us to loudly confess, in faith, our dependence on a good good Father even when we have great "evidence" of circumstance to say that He is not good.
We named her a Greek name meaning “rejoice!”. It is pronounced (in modern day Greek) along the lines of “hi-day”. When we found out I was pregnant right before our final Greek class of the semester and after long prayer, our hearts were left with one word...”hi-day”, “rejoice”. Throughout it all we have continued to return there knowing through it all, we can rejoice in our Lord.
The Lord has sovereignly led us to a year off of seminary and our step of faith following this summer was to move in with my parents to continue discipleship with them in person for a year and to heal. There have been hard and beautiful parts of that transition but that is for a future newsletter! Thank you for sticking through reading this long update. Writing my story is a huge part of the healing process and each of you are the ones I long to share these stories with. I long to sit across from you with a cup of coffee and a fuzzy blanket and share all God is doing and hear what you are seeing Him do. For now, in this COVID season, I look forward to calls or facetimes and would love to hear from you! Continue to look for more emails soon on how we have been processing the grief and what life has looked like as we walk forward, now in Maryland, in faith.
Prayer Requests:
- For the Lord to provide us a car (another long story :-)
- For healing through the grief of losing our baby
- For my mom and dad as they grow in Christ and learn how to live by faith as children of the King (discipleship now gets to be in person-yay!)
- For continued soft hearts for co-workers in Stephen and my workplaces as we have conversations about the gospel
Thank you so much for being a part of our lives! We love each of you dearly!! It is a joy and delight to get to share what the Father has been up to in our lives and to have you as our support team :)
Much Love,
The Byrd's
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